Beyond the Surface: Exploring the Unconscious Patterns That Shape Your Life
- Deborah Tamir
- Oct 31
- 3 min read
Updated: Nov 2
I recently had the privilege of joining Max Wilson on the Masculinity Unmasked Podcast to discuss something close to my heart: the unconscious - or hidden patterns running our lives.
You can listen to the full episode here:
What Lies Beneath
Most of us spend our lives reacting to patterns we can't see. These patterns (our defence mechanisms, our ways of relating, our automatic responses) were often formed in childhood to protect us. They served us well once. But what protected you then may be the very thing keeping you stuck now.
In the episode, Max and I explored how psychodynamic theory suggests we're driven by unconscious patterns we don't even know exist. We talked about the id, ego, and superego, not as abstract concepts, but as real forces that shape everything from your relationships to your physical health.
A Space Without Shame
Here's what matters most: there is no shame in what lies beneath the surface.
The patterns you've developed, the defences you've built, the ways you've learned to survive: these are not flaws. They're adaptations. They are evidence of your resilience. The work of therapy is not about judging these patterns, but about bringing them into awareness with curiosity and compassion.
Psychodynamic therapy creates a safe space where you can explore parts of yourself that have remained hidden, sometimes even from yourself. In that exploration, there's room for all of it: the uncomfortable truths, the contradictions, the parts of yourself you've learned to
push away.
The Therapeutic Relationship as a Mirror
While we covered many aspects of psychodynamic work in the podcast, there's one element I want to highlight here: transference and the power of the therapeutic relationship itself.
Transference refers to the way we unconsciously redirect feelings and patterns from past relationships onto our therapist. It might sound problematic, but it's actually one of the most powerful tools in psychodynamic therapy.
When you feel frustration, mistrust, the need to please, or even unexpected warmth toward your therapist, these feelings often echo earlier relationships, particularly with caregivers. Rather than something to avoid, transference becomes a live demonstration of your unconscious patterns playing out in real-time.
The therapeutic relationship becomes a safe laboratory where these patterns can be observed, explored, and understood without judgment and without the high stakes of your everyday relationships. Your therapist can help you notice: "You seem to expect me to criticise you before you've even finished speaking. I wonder if that's familiar to you?" or "You've been working hard to make sure I see you as capable and independent. What would it be like to let me see you struggle?"
This isn't just insight; it's lived experience. And through that experience, new ways of relating become possible.
The Body Keeps the Score
We also discussed the body-mind connection in the episode - how repressed emotions don't simply disappear but often manifest as physical symptoms. Your body remembers what your mind tries to forget.
This is why therapy isn't just about talking. It's about noticing: the tension in your shoulders when you discuss certain topics, the way your breath changes, the physical sensations that accompany difficult emotions. All of this is information. All of it matters.
Therapy Isn't Just for Crisis
One of the misconceptions we addressed is that therapy is only for crisis moments. The truth is, psychodynamic work is for anyone seeking personal growth, anyone who senses there's more beneath the surface, anyone who's tired of reacting to life and wants to start choosing it.
If you've ever felt like you're running on autopilot, repeating the same relationship patterns, or struggling with feelings you can't quite name - this work is for you.
Starting the Journey
In the podcast, we discussed practical starting points: journaling, self-reflection, and creating space for emotional exploration. But the deepest work happens in relationship - with a therapist who can hold space for all of you without shame, who can help you see the patterns you can't see alone, and who can walk with you as you discover what lies beneath.
The unconscious shields we build are remarkable feats of psychological architecture. But you don't have to live behind them forever.
If you're curious about psychodynamic therapy or want to explore what's driving your own patterns, I'd be honoured to talk to you. Get in touch here.
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